NEW YORK - Three days after publishing his New York Times Magazine essay, My Life as an Undocumented Immigrant and entertaining interviews from ABC News, Jose Antonio Vargas was at it again.
He accommodated more interviews, re-reminiscing the bittersweet details of his life in the Philippines and his subsequent life in the United States—one that was decided for him.
The setting was his apartment in the outskirts of Chelsea and Union Square neighborhoods.
“Sorry for the mess,” Vargas told us, as he fixed papers on his dining table—his office table for Define American for now.
Define American is the organization which he launched on the same day he revealed that he was as undocumented immigrant in the United States.
He may have been lacking in sleep for the past couple of weeks leading up to the day his essay was first published online (the article went to print four days later, on June 26), but it didn’t show.
He is still the same sharp Jose Antonio Vargas, not unlike the one I first met in Washington, DC on January 2008, during an event at the Philippine Embassy to celebrate President Barack Obama’s inauguration.
My next encounter with Vargas was through a phone interview. The Asian Journal did a feature on The Other City, a film which premiered at the TriBeCa Film Festival which was based on the articles he wrote for the Washington Post. By this time last year, he was already working for Huffington Post, exploring multimedia.
He remembered that last interview as we began chatting.
“Oh, I’m sorry. It hurts when you have to lie like that. What lies did I tell you?,” he asked, breaking into laughter. “My close friends will tell you, I am not a good liar, like you would know when I am lying because my eyebrows go berserk. I’m surprised that I kept this lie for as long as I did. It’s kapit sa patalim. That is why there is relief now that people are not just reacting about me, but about the issue as well.”
The following are excerpts of the interview.
AJ: Can you take us from the beginning?
JAV: I guess I always knew that I was coming to America, pero I didn’t know exactly when that would be. I woke up one morning and my suitcase was already packed and there was a cab waiting outside. I was summoned to the Ninoy Aquino International Airport. My mom and my Auntie Aida introduced me to this man, who they said was my uncle. I’ve never met this man before.
The stopover was in Honolulu, and two days later, I was in Mountain View, California—at my lolo and lola’s house. They had come to the States in the mid-80s. I lived in the house with my grandparents and my mom’s brother, Uncle Roland.
AJ: Any fond memories?
JV: One of my earliest memories, I think, was going to Safeway and seeing the dog food aisle. In the Philippines, I lived in Pasig, we fed the dogs with whatever leftovers we had. That was my first big memory, like wow, I am in a different country.
AJ: So everything was normal.
JAV: Everything was fine. I loved America. I was busy adapting and assimilating. Filipinos do that really well. I think [it] is because our culture is so varied. As far as I was concerned, I was an American.
Then one day, without telling lolo, I rode my bike to the DMV. I brought my green card and school ID with me. The Mexican-American woman, (she had curly hair) looked at it and said, “This is fake.”
I thought she was lying, but then again, why should she lie? When I got home, I asked lolo if my green card was fake. I was really mad. That was the first time that, in many ways, I became a reporter because I was investigating my own life.
Everybody in my family is legal, everyone was a citizen. Maybe, the plan was to get under-the-table jobs first. He thought I can work in the flea market or just bus tables. Then I would marry a woman.
Then of course, I came out as gay. That kind of ruined his plans. I told him I wasn’t going to marry for [a] green card. One lie was enough, and I think he was very offended by that and I don’t think he ever forgave me for saying that. He died in 2007. I loved him very much.
AJ: Why did you decide to come out with your story? Why now?
JAV: I worked hard to get to where I am at and I am happy about that. I am definitely a DREAMer, I am part of the DREAM Act, even though I graduated from high school in 2000.
Last year was a big year for me, it was probably the height of my career. I had a documentary [which] premiered at the TriBeCa here in New York, about stories I wrote for the Washington Post. I landed a big interview with Mark Zuckerberg that everybody wanted, for New Yorker, which was my bible growing up.
Then all the while, I kept thinking that my [Oregon] driver’s license was expiring. I’m reading all these stories about DREAM Act kids, some of them Filipinos. People forget that illegal immigration is not purely a Latino issue.
When the DREAM Act failed in the Senate on December 18 last year, I was watching it on Twitter. I took a long walk to the Brooklyn Bridge and that was when I made up my mind that I was doing it. I felt as if everything that I have ever done in my career kinda works up to this moment.
I knew the article was going to make some splash, but I didn’t realize it was going to make this much of a splash. This one, I didn’t anticipate.
This is all about raising awareness. It’s not just about me. I was lucky enough to make it this far.
AJ: How do you react to the backlash and the negative comments?
JAV: The Washington Post criticism was hard because that was my home for five years. I worked really hard there. I expected the criticism. I am not dumb. At the end of the day, I did lie to them. But what choice did I have? If I didn’t lie, I couldn’t work. Everybody just wants to survive, I was just trying to survive.
My work speaks for itself. No one has come forward and said that I’ve lied to them or that I didn’t do a good job. No one can question that. I am not the second coming of Jason Blair, Stephen Glass or Janet Cooke. I am not.
AJ: How about Phil Bronstein of San Francisco Chronicle’s comments?
JAV: I told Phil about my situation face to face and I apologized to him. He was very shocked. I think he just felt conflicted. I got these comments—not from Phil, but from other people. It’s almost as if we all know who these undocumented people are, blue-collared workers who serve you food or babysit your kids. All of a sudden, the fact that I am who I am and I have done what I done, throws people off.
That is precisely why I wanted [to do] this. I am not the only one. I can only imagine other successful (quote, unquote) people, a doctor, an engineer or a lawyer, who may be undocumented.
My consolation throughout this entire process is that whatever it is I am going through, other people are going through it as well.
AJ: How prepared are you to face the consequences?
JAV: I am a reporter, I reported my way through this. I know what the risks are. I know I am making a sacrifice. A lot of people, especially in my family, have taken greater risks and made bigger sacrifices.
I have accepted every possibility there is. I have gone through these scenarios in my head.
As far as I am concerned, America is home. I want to go to the Philippines and see it again, hopefully when I have papers, so I can come back.
This is a big risk but I think it is worth taking. A lot of people are doing it, particularly these DREAM kids. I am looking forward that through Define American, we will be able to elevate this conversation.
AJ: With the creation of Define American, people say that you have become an advocate, more than a journalist.
JAV: I am a storyteller. That’s what I have done since I was 17 years old, and I will always be a storyteller. Now, I am telling the story of my life to illuminate other people’s lives.
AJ: What would you consider as your biggest fear now, as we speak?
JAV: Personally, my lola, I am really worried about her. I just hope she doesn’t watch too much news. She called me up the other day because I guess I was on the front page of the papers in the Bay Area and she was crying.
The burden that I have caused that woman, I do not even know. I told her that hopefully by next August, when all these will be over, she’ll be 75 and we’ll have a big party somewhere and invite all her friends and we’ll play pusoy and she’ll make kare-kare and everything will be fine. She’s my big personal concern.
I came in this to actually have an impact, not just by myself because I am just one person. I want to make sure that Define American will really elevate the conversation about immigration. I’ve been hearing a lot of good stuff online, from Facebook to Twitter, people saying that they have never thought of immigration this way.
That’s also my other fear, that Define American won’t be as successful as it needs to be. I will make sure that it doesn’t fail. I have gotten this far and I am not giving up.
AJ: How would you describe the past few days? Have you gotten any sleep at all?
JAV: I finally went to the gym and ran. I have gained so much weight through this process.
I remember walking out of the New York Times building last Friday when we closed the essay, and I was walking down 42nd St. towards Broadway. I felt so free. It’s out, it’s done and it’s going to press!
My sexuality, my being gay was something I never hid among my friends. But within my Filipino family, it was something I never talked about. You know how Filipinos are about this issue. We know it’s there, maybe he is, but we don’t talk about it. Now it is there, in the essay. You take it or you don’t. This is who I am.
More than that of course, is living as an undocumented person. By the way, I want to make sure that the word “illegal” is never used to describe a person. What I have done is wrong, it’s illegal but me as a person, there is nothing illegal or alien about me.
I am ready for whatever it is that’s going to happen. I’m ready.
AJ: Any regrets?
JAV: I really regret not talking to my mother more. I owe my life to her. I put her in a shelf somewhere and I never took her out. That’s one of the reasons why I am doing this.
I have found mothers in other people—I have a Jewish mother, several African-American mothers, a Mexican mother, my Auntie Aida and my lola, of course, who has been my mother figure.
But I have a mother, and I haven’t seen her since I was 12. I ignore her, I have ignored her. Sometimes I don’t answer her phone calls. A lot of times I don’t answer her letters. It has been too painful to face her.
I was mad at her, and that was probably the hardest part to write. It took me a couple of nights and a lot of ice cream, hence the weight gain. But that was what I felt. I was mad at her, then I was mad at myself for getting mad at her.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I was 12. As a mother, she only wanted the best thing for her child.
I’m 30 now and I’m hoping that we [will be] able to fix and mend our relationship and make sure that she feels loved. Filipinos, we’re like the Italians of Asia when it comes to families—the gossip, the drama, the chismis.
AJ: You mentioned in your NPR interview that you spent more time talking to her in the past two months than the past 18 years combined.
JAV: I had to fact-check my own life. I had to ask her all these questions and get the details: What happened to the petition? Why was it cancelled? What was I wearing at the airport?
I can spend hours talking to Mark Zuckerberg—about his life and where he comes from—and yet, I was so unwilling to face the details of my own life. Maybe because I was so traumatized by it.
You know, I’ve never seen a psychologist. I’m gonna start. (laughs)
We’re now speaking more. I told her not to speak to the press. (laughs).
AJ: Which was longer? Hating your mom or hating yourself for hating your mom?
JAV: Hating myself. The shame of that, how can a son ever hate his mother?
AJ: How did you deal with it?
JAV: I’m still dealing with that. I don’t hate her, I love her. I’m just dealing with whatever pain I’ve caused her and she caused me.
I’ve written more than 650 articles. Writing this article was like getting an emotional root canal. It was really hard. I started writing in mid-March and the editing went on until last week. It was really hard to write.
AJ: How has the community support been?
JAV: Except for a couple of emails I have received saying that what I did was embarrassing, the Filipino-American community has been largely incredibly supportive. That is why I reached out to the Filipino American Legal Defense Fund (FALDEF), and I found out about them through Loida Lewis, whom I had lunch with at Harvard Club. After that lunch, she was on the phone with JT Mallonga.
AJ: What lies ahead?
JAV: We are focusing on Define American. This is the first time [that] I am leading an organization. Our first goal is getting the conversation started. As we lead to the presidential campaign, we hope to play a big role in how we talk about this issue.
Personally, I hope I can sleep a lot better.
(www.asianjournal.com)
(LA Midweek June 29-July 1, 2011 MDWK pg.1)
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