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Underneath it all is connecting energy – love that arches our differences..connecting arches." - Stephen Kiesling
I MELTED when I read the bios of my co-performers: starring roles in The Joy Luck Club, Picture Bride, Miracle in Rwanda, Best Actress in a Comedy Series, a Grammy for Best Musical Album for Children, sang at Emmy-winning video, Yes,We Can!, worked with Best Actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman, CBS’Without a Trace, ABC’s Desperate Housewives, and of course, graduates of Harvard University. I thought I had died and am now in heaven. Reality sank in. No, I am inside the green room with all these beautiful stars.
I got anxious, the same level of anxiety I felt as a court-witness about to be cross-examined by the opposing lawyer but, magnified thousand times. I am melting fast. What have I said yes to? How crazy can I be to think I can contribute? So many questions of self-doubt.
Well, I paused. I prayed. I did qijong, the energy shower that Sachiko and Dom Magwili taught me. I heard Dom’s words in my head: "Do not try to be them. Be who you are. Offer your performance in memory of folks you want to honor." I chose to honor Uncle Roy, Ester Soriano, my dads Eleazar and Enrique Sr., NVM Gonzalez, and the comfort women who were abused sexually by Japanese Imperial Soldiers during World War II. After my ritual of connecting to the Higher Spirits, I calmed down, almost magically and I concluded with the sign of the cross.
I walked to the stage. I am calm as I sat down. I am actually able to calm my co-actress on my left, "you will be fine", I told her. When she read her monologue, I told her she nailed it. She smiled.
Should I even say, I am now considering myself an actress? Well, I had to, for tonight, I accepted my role willingly. Loud, I told myself, I am an actress tonight. I am here. Yes, I am here, and I am here for the abused children, for the battered women who were made to feel less than, for those who were abused and made to feel they are of no value. I thought of my friend at work, Xerox. Yes, Xerox! I thought of how she quivered. She talked about her husband’s affairs and how he would come home and force himself on her. Oh Lord, I am offering my performance for her! It took me a while to get here, to accept I am doing this performance with integrity.
It took Jon Lawrence Rivera, TVM Director who gave us questions, after a two hour practice, that’s right, only two hours practice and literally he said: " What are your intentions? Who is this character to you? Should you feel sad? Should you feel happy? Should you feel confused? Assume that role as you approach the podium." And I remembered. Assume the role as you approach the podium. His words did not discourage, his words made us engage our whole being, our intellect, our emotions, our experiences, but also a space to maneuver, and a space to express the integrity of the character on stage. It is not me, it is the character!
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