"We are but mosaics of our inner selves. Each tile within the mosaic is a life’s challenge. We can reject the challenge, run, and without resolving it, our life becomes a spiral of negativism: down and out of luck. Or we can choose to embrace the challenge, discover the lesson for self-growth, evolve a more authentic self who serves the people and interests outside of our own. Unexpectedly, you live in a sacred space: your own bountiful days of grace."
I WROTE this in 2005, a year before going into retirement. I thought I had a good plan for retirement – volunteer for public service, engage the community more and be of service to them and cook more. I almost made myself sick with meaningless activities which kept me going but were mindless and tiring.
It was not until I relaxed into stillness, embracing silence that I realized what I had laid out for myself was of no consequence to my spirit. I became simply an empty channel of noisy, boisterous, directionless activities. Sure, I was busy, but how connected was I to my inner soul? How connected was I to my God? How much did I truly integrate with my family and my community all these years? How much of myself did I share?
Last week, Fr. Rodel Balagtas spoke of embracing our Galilees and Jerusalems. Galilee, as you know, is rumored to have been built over a graveyard, hence the notion that it was unclean. It was here when Jesus commanded the unclean spirit to leave. It was here where St. Peter found himself in despair, suffering and longing for Jesus’ help. I, too was faced with my own Galilee.
I was faced with a choice to accompany my spouse, who got a Fulbright fellowship to teach in Leyte Normal University. We chose Leyte as it meant new beginnings, new surroundings, new friends and new families to connect with. It meant living my life anew. It was here where I forged new friendships and new rituals: walking uphill for some exercise, having breakfast with a view and endless conversations with my husband, listening to him play kundimans on his violin. It is also here where I had spontaneous get-togethers with poets, writers, teachers and friends. It felt like an idyllic life.
Then, I was faced with a challenge: proceed to do a leadership development seminar for 50 academicians in the peak of an asthma attack. I went ahead and did the seminar, for it meant keeping my word and embracing my Galilee.
We travelled for hours bouncing back and forth inside the van, because of the pockmarked roads. Later, I learned folks also travelled for hours to be at this seminar – "The Ethics of a Quality-Oriented Professional." Some were skeptical, many of those who attended later confided that they expected someone to lecture them on greed, rule of law, corruption, and ethics. They did not expect someone to ask them to stand up for their inner spirit, to be the spiritual architects of their lives. They later apologized about their presumptions and thanked me for asking them to mentor their own inner human spirit.
You see, I have always been defined by my asthma. I had structured activities and declined invitations because of asthma. There’s food that would trigger my asthma attacks. Asthma ruled my life. It was not God who ruled my life. I was faced with my own Galilee to see God’s hand in my life.
I had a severe attack after the seminar and my husband had to rush me to the emergency room of the only infirmary clinic inside the university. Inside the emergency room was a toilet which dripped and reeked of urine. Even though I could not breathe, aided by oxygen and an IV of antibiotics, I could not take my mind off on how unclean the bathroom was. Perhaps the unclean bathroom mirrored my unclean spirit. My body was challenging me so I can expel my unclean thoughts.
Even though I had done a seminar on how to nurture others’ human spirit and mentored folks for two decades to reach their full potential, I had forgotten to nourish my own inner spirit all these years.
Dr. Yu informed me that if my condition improves by the third day, I can be discharged. At 6am, my vitals were checked by a nurse: 185 /90, pre-stroke conditions and I was not going anywhere. It was dangerous. I prayed, meditated, journaled, and made a pact with God: please save me, I want to see my children, and I promise to be of service in Your Holy Name.
Before, I was doing service for the community and the public, but not consciously for God. 3 hours later, my vitals became normal: 150/70. I was told I could go home. Then, and there, I started an uphill climb to health and wellness. I took charge of my physical and spiritual health.
Thanks to my hubby who developed a morning ritual of juicing zucchini, bell pepper, persian cucumber, carrot, celery, a bunch of parsley, grapes, apple and kalamansi or one lemon, my immune system got stronger after a year. At first, I could only eat steamed fish and vegetables, but later, when my immune system got stronger, I introduced other proteins: beef, pork, tofu, and after two years, chicken. I also went to Kaiser and found a specialist, a Filipino doctor who was reputable for listening to patients and finding the appropriate medication which suited them.
For my spirit, I started writing every week, sometimes twice a week. I went to enriching artistic events, limiting them to a few a week. I connected more with artists: painters, filmmakers, musicians, writers, photographers, those nurturing their inner creativity.
In December, I searched for my spiritual home. All the churches offered Simbang Gabi in the evening, but that was not enough of a sacrifice on my part. I wanted Simbang Gabi at early dawn and I came upon Immaculate Heart of Mary Church at 5am. It meant waking up at 4am and being in church at 430am. After the mass, I was filled with a lighter feeling inside -- I wanted to soar and be of service to others. My husband enjoyed the meals I created, inspired by a new affinity with the spirit, with a homily that inspired me, a choir that made me cry and made me want to connect with everyone. I found my spiritual home by embracing my Galilee. I became aligned with my inner spirit and a life of tremendous joy unraveled before my eyes.
Now, I am writing more, travelling more and connecting more -- but it is from first, being connected with the Divine Source.
( Published March 20, 2010 in Asian Journal Los Angeles p. A12 )
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
